I'm getting caught up in the hom-hum-ness of life. It's like: wake up, pay the bills, make some jewelry, take pictures of said jewelry, do some more stuff, eat, shower, bed. Okay, I eat more than once. Still.
And yet I'm not bored, I don't think. I don't feel like when I was 8, it was not, and Mommmmmm, there's nothing to DO. Because I'm quite entertained. I enjoy doing what I do. Today I went on a picnic at a local park and walked around some nature trails, etc. It was nice. And I was antsy to get back home. Now that I'm home, I just feel...confused. What should I be doing? What do I need to do? What do I want to do?
I like to keep pretty busy, in part because the first two of those questions are so much easier to answer than the third. I don't feel guilty when I work too much. I do feel guilty when I do things "just for fun." Specifically when I have something that I need to do also on my list.
I feel that way with my life, a lot of times. Like I want to do all this fun stuff, stay home and bead my little heart out, or just read and write and blog. But that's not realistic to do for the rest of my life. Not yet, anyway. I have a hard time finding something I like doing enough to make a career out of it. I think writing is it. I always enjoy blogging. I don't always have a subject (such as now) but I do enjoy the process of it.
Well, to be honest, I do have several ideas for topics, I just don't feel the oomph to actually write about them. I'm just not passionate enough. Sort of like the person who cheers along to the rally on TV but doesn't go because it's hot and rainy and will ruin their hair. You know- there in spirit, not in person.
I wish I felt more happy and energetic. I'm not depressed anymore. I don't think. I'm not sure. But I also don't really feel happy. I get glimpses of it, yes. But I begin to wonder: what's it like to feel human?
I feel like the caveman on the Geico commercials: having some sort of existential crisis, trying to fit in with human society. Like this guy does it to a sense (the therapy session is classic: "Oh that's my mom...I'll put her on speaker"), but when you look at him, it's all: dude, shave, will ya? I feel the same way. I look normal (fairly normal, at least), I can act normal (though this has been questioned on numerous occasions), seem extremely functional. My problem is that now, I don't have a meaningful distraction from the depression. When I'm in school, I do okay. I get good grades, I'm rarely ready to jump off the deep end, I get lots of stuff done. I try my damnedest NOT to think about it.
My past job (especially with the psycho dieting co-workers) wasn't enough. I could go home and throw myself quite a lovely pity party. There was no respite during the day. And no sleep at night. Hence breakdown.
I think that's part of the reason I'm really looking forward to school: a focus. Not a distraction anymore. I know the depression will always lurk if I try to ignore it, and then it will become that itch in the one square centimeter of your back that you absolutely cannot reach. I want to feel I'm moving forward. Not just treading water, standing still. That lofty goal off in the distance- I want to see it getting bigger, moving closer. Maybe it is, just so slowly that it doesn't look close until it is.
"Come on and wade way out into the water with me,
We're drowning on dry land.
Come on and wade way out into the water with me,
Jump in and take my hand."
--"Scalliwag," Gaelic Storm