Carrie, it sounds like you are your own biggest judge. I'm not sure that people pay that much attention to others in such a massive way. They may pass comment on others but I'm doubting that people are so bothered about you eating one big Mac that they would think "Carrie, the couch potato". I'm not being horrible hun, just telling you that people are generally more bothered and worried about themselves.

Resumes. A pedigree resume doesn't neccessarily show anyone how good a teacher you can be. We are constantly trying to get people to think according to Howard Gardners of multiple intelligence. In the UK the education system still judges our young people (and adults) on their A-C grades. Anything less than a C is effectively a fail. A C is passable but doesn't make you a genius. Lots of young people are unable to fit into our system of ed. It's often very prescriptive, maladaptive and restrictive. It doesn't allow for the non-academics to flourish and show what they can do. Many young people leave school with a low opinion of themselves based on their 'failing' grades.

My point is that we have to look for something deeper. My opinion is that I dont care what people have written on their paper. So what if they have been to Cambridge? I dont care. Can they reach out and touch people in a truly personable way? That's what I care about.

The truth is this: you have to enagage your class and inspire them in order for them to learn effectively and to retain the information for a long time. A resume doesn't neccessarily prove that you can/can't do that. So what if you have gaps in yours. You have self educated, you are intelligent emotionally (and intellectually) and you want things to be 'perfect' for your class.

My only warning would be that you dont pass on your anxiety to your classes, when you eventually teach. You have high standards and that is great but you need to realise that sometimes such expectations projected onto others can be damaging.

However, I said before that you are emotionally intelligent and I truly believe that. So I reckon that your class will be very luck when you finally get them. :o)

What age group are you hoping to work with Carrie?
It's great that you are taking your fears and putting them outside you. You've got enough time to sign up for my scribbling outside the lines summer course 101.
There's also making mistakes and learning to say "OOPS"...like my bloops of grammar here and there on blogger world. [I actually prefer to get it right *to* <<<<<*bloop* but I write so much I've had to learn "oops" myself ] OOPS!
Carrie, you'll be you no matter what rule book you try to follow or how you define perfection.This has always been enough. Yes,there are places for perfection! You better sew that parachute properly and build using a level if you want the water in the toilets to sit right. Know which places require order and where you can be free to explore beyond the boundaries.
Practice being you without thinking about who anyone else appears to be from your standpoint. Trust yourself and you'll receive your reassurance from the students you teach as they'll connect with you and you will feel it. You'll give your best by giving honestly. This is your assignment for the rest of your life. So, you have quirks, we ALL do! Join the human race!

Tash,

I'm actually quite scared that I will be unable to give people a 'B'. We're only allowed to give at most 1/3 A's. Knowing how traumatic an A- was to me...eeeee! I studied in Scotland for a semester, so I am very familiar with the grading system (they used 1-20 when I was there). Even getting the equivalent of an A- was hard! Well, for someone who was out late carousing all night.

The strange, ironic thing is that I don't judge anyone nearly as harshly as myself. I need to apply the reverse golden rule: do unto yourself as you would do unto others.

And people were surprised when I didn't apply to Harvard or any Ivy League schools. In a rare moment of lucidity, I realized they would destroy me as a person, all of that competitiveness and blood sucking.

Mary,

I don't remember how to view myself from MY OWN perspective rather than through the lenses of others. I don't even know that I ever did.

Something to work on.

Scotland uses a different grading system to England and Wales. We definately do letters for our grading!

I honestly think you'll be a great teacher. Soften any trauma with sme encouraging words. My best teachers were those who were firm, fair and challenged me.

Yes: do unto yourself as you do to others. You deserve it. :0)

Carrie, I think you know more of who you are than you may realize. Sure you strive for perfection and have fears that isolate you and feed your insecurities but the truth is we all have a struggle or two....or more...that we've been handed. I like to think I hand picked my parents, my problems, and all that lay before me in this life of mine. I also tell my kids that they selected us as parents, not the other way around! It's what we do with everything we are handed that makes our life.
Carrie, you are a fighter. Even when recovery feels awful, and you thought you were weakening, you hung in there.
You're an analyzer, wanting to know every detail of what makes an ED tick so you know how to fight it, how to outsmart the very stupid and predictable loser it is. You are not a loser.....but your illness certainly takes the cake! I suspect you analyzed long before your ED. It's part of what makes you tick.
Come on Carrie. You know. On some level you know exactly who you are! It has nothing to do with your job or your earnings or that you like to write. Analyzing and fighting are strengths but you are so much more.
Usually, no matter our problems we really don't want to trade places with anyone else as our's seem custom fitted, even in our moments of misery. It's in learning to let them go in favor of a richer life that's not always easy.
I'm giving you an A for working on honoring yourself but a D for comparing yourself to others.[D is passable but not able to go forward until you have a C or higher :-O hehehe Whatcha gonna do about it?
I think an F would have done you good if it didn't flat out kill you.
Ok, now I'm overtired , over worked, and I'm outta here before you flunk me. Wouldn't do much good cause I've already flunked a class and I'm still standing.