Stalemate

I feel that I'm at that odd point in recovery where absolutely nothing happens. I'm fighting hard, but I don't feel that I'm getting anywhere, making any progress.
Calorie counting? Guilty as charged.

I hate this. I had done so well and then I'm slammed with it again. It's do dumb because I know I need to stop, that it's not helping, but I'm so scared not to.

My sleeping had improved slightly, but is now back in the toilet again. I do sleep. I just don't wake up feeling rested. Even now, I'm dozing off a little while I write this. This is the exact opposite of the way it's supposed to be.

I had thought for a while that getting accepted to Johns Hopkins, etc, etc, was the sign that my life was turning around and everything was going to be okay. Now is the reality that an acceptance letter changes much and also doesn't change much. My friend, who lives in DC, is moving to Texas. And all I hear on the homefront is how busy I'm going to be, how am I going to manage it and so on.

I went to a bead social on Thursday night and I was disappointing to say the least. All the ladies were older (50+) and not very interested in a newcomer. I did my thing, made some really cute earrings, but it so was not worth the gas. Plus, the lady next to me had horrible BO. Nasty. I had built it up in my mind, had such high hopes for the event. Maybe I'd meet a friend there, or at least have a good conversation with a person who is NOT my parents. Not that there's anything really wrong with talking to my parents, it's just when 90% of your talking is with them and the other 5% with your cat, it gets a little old.

My mistake was, of course, building it up too much. Hopeful things have been hard to come by recently, and so every little blip on the screen is like "Hooray! Maybe I won't feel so terrible anymore!" It's not like that, and I should definitely know that by now. I feel like I try so hard and do all the right things, push myself to get out there, and it doesn't payoff. I am taking a fun beading class and learning a bunch of stuff. That is good.

Yesterday, however, was quite a bummer. My car is completely bipolar. Back windows don't go down, and the fan only works if you crank it all the way up to 5. Drop it down to 4? Nuh-uh. Nothing. I got stuck trying to investigate a food outbreak last night and stayed an hour and a half late at work. On a Friday. When I was notified at 4:45.

And one of the psycho Big Losers (it appears she has lost her mind along with her weight) was annoyed that someone brought in little tubs of coffee creamer for the coffee because scold scold, "they're not good for you." Dude, it's like, a tablespoon of creamer. It's not like you do shots of the stuff. So, in order to let everyone know just how bad they were, she taped a little note to the bowl they were in informing everyone who cared to pass by how many calories, fat grams, and carbs they had.


Why do you assume that any of us CARE?


I hate that. I hate the way I get emails from Human Resources telling me "Weight Watchers helps you lose weight!!!!" Yes, all the exclamation points were there. Why do people think that everyone needs to or wants to lose weight. That bugs me. It makes it so much harder to attempt to accept myself and my weight when everyone has a vested interest in making me hate myself. Self-hatred (or at least feeling like you need something to feel complete) sells products. If you accept yourself AS IS, you're much less likely to buy shampoo or tooth whitener or shoes.
I don't want to be a sell out. Yes I do buy shampoo, thank you very much. And I am partial to a good pair of sandals. But I know that won't change anything about me.
Although damn- will I look good or what?

8 comments:

mary said...

Yes, you'll look awesome!

You CAN buy that shampoo and even those sandals and still be accepting yourself. It's called helping the economy! >: )

Lindsey said...

I have been lurking around your blog of late, hesitant to post because I admire you so much, but hey, there has to be a first for everything!...

You don't NEED those freaks (WW, crazy ladies at work, what-have-you) to bother you. So don't let them. Eh, liken it to chess - you have a side battle waging over on queen-side, but your ultimate goal is to protect yourself - the King. So don't let these little side battles and distractions get you down. They'll happen, they're there for the game, to distract, to trap your thoughts vewy vewy far away from where YOU want them to be. ;-) Eh, 'scuse the soapbox, you just mentioned stalemate and that got me going.

Bless your heart, tho', only 5% to your cat? ;-)

marcella said...

I guess we all go through those phases where exciting communication with anyone other than those closest to us just doesn't happen and we feel just flat. They DO pass. It's something we do have to work through although I know it's hard.
Well done for trying the beading group even if it wasn't very good. Pity the woman with the BO didn't help the economy by buying soap and deodorant.

CARRIE ARNOLD said...

Mary,

I think there's a difference between buying, say, moisturizer or something because you want to look "years younger!" and buying moisurizer because you have dry skin.

Lindsey,

Love the chess analogy. Though I don't play, I am familiar with the rules and such. That's a really good way of thinking about this. Checkmate to WW psychos!

Marcella,

Definitely a pity the woman didn't buy soap, etc. Not just would she be supporting the economy, she'd be supporting ME!

Laura Collins said...

A bipolar car! I love it.

One of the hazards of thinking about mental illness all the time is that we see diagnoses everywhere - soon I'll be seeing personality disordered kitchen tools and worrying about my depressive cell phone!

Ryanryan said...

*giggles over laura's comment* THAT's classic hehehe

Lee Lee said...

Ugh. You just reminded me of the pet peeves I have about all of my Italian aunts who gossip about dieting- while scarfing down everything but the kitchen sink. It's so annoying to someone like me.

Because:
A. They don't know what they're talking about and I'm inclined to want to correct them (as the expert). Which is a crossfire I don't even want to start with a bunch of Sofia Loren's. (More like Annette Funicello's).

B. They remind me about my insatiable urge to diet. Which reminds me of the days when I was anorexic, before I was bulimic. Which just generally sets me on a sad path down memory lane of my E.D.

C. At which point I probably eat something to "Stuff" all those feelings, and then I feel even worse, naturally.

_________

It's so weird because nobody understands there are such things as food-sensitive people.

CARRIE ARNOLD said...

Laura,

You bring up a good point, although I was using "bipolar" more as an adjective than a diagnosis. My friend at my old job raised sheep and spun her own yarn, and after shearing them in the late summer, she said "Sam looks so depressed without his coat. Do you think he'll be okay?" It was so cute.

Lee Lee,

That's the irony about dieting: you think about food all the time. It's our brain's natural response to deprivation- kind of the concept of Lent, in a way. And people are oblivious to many of our issues. They just don't get it. It's hard for me to figure out when to say "knock it off" and when to just roll with it. Given my personality (shy), I typically just try to ignore it.

Hang in there. I don't have Italian aunts, but I do have a passel of Polish relatives who have a penchant for feeding everything that crosses their path.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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