I feel that I'm at that odd point in recovery where absolutely nothing happens. I'm fighting hard, but I don't feel that I'm getting anywhere, making any progress.
Calorie counting? Guilty as charged.
I hate this. I had done so well and then I'm slammed with it again. It's do dumb because I know I need to stop, that it's not helping, but I'm so scared not to.
My sleeping had improved slightly, but is now back in the toilet again. I do sleep. I just don't wake up feeling rested. Even now, I'm dozing off a little while I write this. This is the exact opposite of the way it's supposed to be.
I had thought for a while that getting accepted to Johns Hopkins, etc, etc, was the sign that my life was turning around and everything was going to be okay. Now is the reality that an acceptance letter changes much and also doesn't change much. My friend, who lives in DC, is moving to Texas. And all I hear on the homefront is how busy I'm going to be, how am I going to manage it and so on.
I went to a bead social on Thursday night and I was disappointing to say the least. All the ladies were older (50+) and not very interested in a newcomer. I did my thing, made some really cute earrings, but it so was not worth the gas. Plus, the lady next to me had horrible BO. Nasty. I had built it up in my mind, had such high hopes for the event. Maybe I'd meet a friend there, or at least have a good conversation with a person who is NOT my parents. Not that there's anything really wrong with talking to my parents, it's just when 90% of your talking is with them and the other 5% with your cat, it gets a little old.
My mistake was, of course, building it up too much. Hopeful things have been hard to come by recently, and so every little blip on the screen is like "Hooray! Maybe I won't feel so terrible anymore!" It's not like that, and I should definitely know that by now. I feel like I try so hard and do all the right things, push myself to get out there, and it doesn't payoff. I am taking a fun beading class and learning a bunch of stuff. That is good.
Yesterday, however, was quite a bummer. My car is completely bipolar. Back windows don't go down, and the fan only works if you crank it all the way up to 5. Drop it down to 4? Nuh-uh. Nothing. I got stuck trying to investigate a food outbreak last night and stayed an hour and a half late at work. On a Friday. When I was notified at 4:45.
And one of the psycho Big Losers (it appears she has lost her mind along with her weight) was annoyed that someone brought in little tubs of coffee creamer for the coffee because scold scold, "they're not good for you." Dude, it's like, a tablespoon of creamer. It's not like you do shots of the stuff. So, in order to let everyone know just how bad they were, she taped a little note to the bowl they were in informing everyone who cared to pass by how many calories, fat grams, and carbs they had.
Why do you assume that any of us CARE?
I hate that. I hate the way I get emails from Human Resources telling me "Weight Watchers helps you lose weight!!!!" Yes, all the exclamation points were there. Why do people think that everyone needs to or wants to lose weight. That bugs me. It makes it so much harder to attempt to accept myself and my weight when everyone has a vested interest in making me hate myself. Self-hatred (or at least feeling like you need something to feel complete) sells products. If you accept yourself AS IS, you're much less likely to buy shampoo or tooth whitener or shoes.
I don't want to be a sell out. Yes I do buy shampoo, thank you very much. And I am partial to a good pair of sandals. But I know that won't change anything about me.
Although damn- will I look good or what?