Rest and Peace

Please note, kiddies, that this is not Rest in Peace, but Rest and Peace. I am not entertaining any morbid thoughts. At least not for the moment.

Last week, I worked mostly 11-hour days, plus a 2 hour commute since I'm now living with my parents (le sigh) and it's much further than my old apartment. So basically, leave at 7am, get home at 7:30 pm. Eat, blog, shower, sleep. In just about that order.

This weekend I struggled mightily with ED thoughts, a struggle I am still trying to fight my way out of. I am counting calories. Again. I have been trying quite hard to stamp this nasty little OCD habit out, but the anxiety...well, I do what I can. I have been maintaining in my target weight range, and am now utterly terrified of moving out of that range. Even though there's still quite a ways to go for me to be above range. I think a pound, a pound, it's not that big of a deal, it could be water, it could be clothes, it could be that I'm growing my hair out or that I didn't shave or who the bloody hell knows what. I keep trying to justify it to myself in my mangy little head when I realize: WHO CARES??!! It's one pound. That's all. One measly little pound. Why do I need to justify it? According to my mom (who supervises my food intake) I'm not eating too much. Not that this makes me believe her, per se, but I suppose she's seen me on some nasty Snickers benders, so at least she has a point of reference.

So it goes like: Eating=good. Bare cupboards=bad. Empty stomach=bad.

Hey, this math minor of mine (and basically a Master's degree in applied biostatistics) does come in handy.

All of this led me to think that maybe my lack of proper rest and sleep last week has something to do with my current struggles. I don't think it really caused them, but I do think I don't have quite as much energy to fight the ED thoughts.

I hate that I need about 9 hours of sleep per night. That's, like, so much wasted time when I could be reading, writing, crocheting, beading, etc. I know the body needs it, but there are also just so many things that I want to do. Add in that I royally hate my job but can't think of any better way to bring in some money, and you have my life situation right now. I go into work tomorrow, my first time since Friday, and I'm wondering about how my Loser co-workers are doing. I'm going to bring in chocolates in a little Easter basket and they better not vote those ones off my desk or I'm going to have the Easter bunny leave some teeth marks in their collective asses.

So. It's time for me to get moving so I can get some rest. This is, of course, to your disfavor because I do my best ranting and raving when I'm cranky.

Oh well. Deal with it.

4 comments:

mary said...

Deal with it? No way. I have to live inside of me. LOL
You deal with it. Vent away. I know it feels like you are slipping. You aren't. You've taken hold of someone you know you can trust, mom. She's your calculator for now. Remember,focus is everything. You need to be thinking of the easter egg hunt and how you'll get all the eggs even if it means trampling small children or stealing. Ok, only in your head. Count the eggs, never, never the calories! : )

I know you can make it through this next phase! I know that you can dare yourself to live dangerously, on the wild side, and gain the needed weight to diminish the OCD. It takes time and you've been moving mountains! I am so impressed Carrie!

mary said...

Oh, and I like the new spring blog! I am still trying to figure mine out. Why do we get 2?

CARRIE ARNOLD said...

Mary,

You can just go into your options and go to "change template". One click and you're done!

mary said...

thank you teacher

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About Me

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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Have any questions or comments about this blog? Feel free to email me at carrie@edbites.com



nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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