This is not something I ever thought I would say but...

...a "normal" weight isn't that bad.

It's not comfortable, not yet, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I still shop in the petites' section (yes, I'm 5'5", but clothing designers haven't figured out that it's an "average" height), NOT the maternity section. Nor, for that matter, the children's or juniors. I'm 26 for crap's sake- that's not a junior.

I feel...okay. Not good, not great, and definitely not all the time, but I take it one breath, one bite, one meal, one day at a time.

That's why I take my meds. My life is far from sane or normal, but it's manageable. It's becoming enjoyable in brief snatches here and there. Like this evening, when I finished an uber-difficult Sudoku puzzle. Or two nights ago when I realized I had enjoyed a piece of cheesecake. No guilt whatsoever.

I religiously take my anti-seizure meds because I don't want to lose my driver's license again. One and a half years without a license royally sucks. I was lucky to live in a city with fabulous public transportation, but when it's 10pm and you need some milk, you better start doing some serious cow tipping. The consequences for not taking my meds are usually pretty immediate- at least in a matter of days. When transitioning to new meds, I've had breakthrough seizures. I know the consequences and boy, do they know me!

With food, though, the consequences are much more insidious. And, of course, I have Ed whispering in my ear all of the benefits of not eating. Surely, one skipped snack won't matter, will it? Maybe, maybe not. Will it over time? Absolutely. The difference is that the consequences, though just as serious, creep up on you. I can justify skipping a snack: I'm too busy, I'm not hungry, nothing I have sounds good. I could do it and lie about it and no one would ever know. Except me. Eventually, though, it would become obvious. If you give Ed an inch, it's Around the World in Eighty Days except without the hot air balloon.

Part of the similarities with treating anorexia and tuberculosis is that it's easy to slack off on treatment once you're feeling better. Feeling better means you're cured, right? Am I feeling better? Yep. But that's not a sign to back off. It's a sign to keep pushing forward, to keep taking my meds and doing all the things I need to do until my illness is cured.