Little Things

There are so many things in life. For a long time, there was nothing that made me want to get out of bed and greet the world. Absolutely nada. I didn't care, I didn't want to care, I practically couldn't care.

I'm not saying that now I leap out of bed with joy, fling open the blinds and say "Good morning sunshine!" No, I whack the snooze button as long as humanly possible, roll out of bed at the last minute, and immediately make a beeline to the coffee pot. I am NOT a morning person. I'm a night person- I love the silence, the quiet. It's a nice contrast to the constant buzzing of thoughts in my head, thoughts that swarm like bees, and occasionally sting.

However, I still get up and greet the day, however begrudging it may be. I ask myself why? Not so long ago I decided hell with it and attempted to not see another sunrise again. Ever. So what is it that enables me to put my feet on the floor, even as I curse God, the Greek gods, the Egyptian gods, and every other religious icon I can think of that I have to wake up so damn early.

My cat's eyelashes. I never knew that cats have eyelashes, but they do. Teeny tiny things, but eyelashes nonetheless. Just watching them, as Aria glances around the room. Also her fascination with a flushing toilet. I can't help but chuckle as her head follows the swirling water.

Seeing the next day on my page-a-day calendar. It's a crochet pattern one, and I almost always enjoy seeing what other people thought up. Yesterday's was for an itty bitty friendship bra.

Going into a yarn or bead store and just putting together items in my head. Then, seeing the final product.

I have made a pact with myself that I will not even think about trying to off myself until the last Harry Potter book comes out. I'm not saying I have any plans to stay up all night reading, snap the book shut and then chug a liter of Drano. Not at all. But I've been waiting almost 7 years to see how everything turns out, and there's no way I'm going to give up with only 6 months to go.

I still haven't exactly found a reason to live. But I can cling to reasons to keep going.

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5 comments:

mary said...

have you ever bought the dancing pearls, the ones that flip up and down on the strand. I love them! They come in different colors too. I like mixing the pearl and gems, like citrine or turquoise. I try to go to the bead trade shows when they come to town because many of the deals are bargains...google gem and jewelry shows. Just like a candy store for bead lovers.
Keep believing that there is a purpose to it all. You keep taking these baby steps and you will see that there's so much more than you've been willing to let in. There's a story on a buddha site I like about a man who lost his son in a fire when his home burnt down, only he didn't,his son wasn't home. And because he was grieving too much to notice that his son wasn't in the house and was standing right behind him he would not let go of his grief. He continued to be miserable when all he had to do was open his eyes and see what was there before him. Not this dude, he wasn't going to let go of his grief.
Don't know if I told it right but the idea is that you and you alone can let go of all those sneaky little messages and tell them to F**K off. It's a story about suffering. We all walk through it at different times, it's how we handle it that counts. Choose you Carrie! When it gets tough ask to be held. Not by others but by that holy place that resides within if you can. Tap into your own sanctuary. Talk to your wonderful T, reach out to others too.
Today's Oprah show shared a SECRET about some of this. See if you can find it as it applies to disordered thinking and I know you'll get it. Grab tools wherever you find them Carrie!
I must admit, I feel like a bear. I really want to sleep till spring. I'd like to take a blow torch to this cold! grrrrrrrrrr

Who do you think is going to go...in the HP story? Hmmmmmm
good night kiddo : )

CARRIE ARNOLD said...

Mary,

Gem and jewelry shows? Oh goodness me. I made a really cool choker a while ago that mixed opaque purple Czech glass with some shiny gold colored glass. I was going to sell it but decided I had to keep it. :)

That's true about the man and his son. There are so many miracles out there. I drive through farmland on my way to work, and looking out over the fields and silos and barns and blowing snow...just this unending flatness and it is so beautiful.

As for HP- my friends and I toss theories back and forth. I don't think Dumbledore really died.

mary said...

Sounds like you created a keeper! Purple and gold sound nice. Citrine is almost glittery when the light hits it. It's one of the crystals that clears negative energy yet doesn't absorb it, never needs cleaning. My youngest daughter asked me to make her a necklace with it for christmas because of it's qualities. She's the one who shakes her head and says "I'm not like you mom." Poor thing. If I didn't have a mom that drives me nuts I might not understand.
And Czech glass is awesome. Can you tell my addiction? Baubles!I'm a pirate at heart or one of those birds that fills her nest with color! Gotta weed it out today...I suspect it'll be prettier if I simplify.
have a good day Carrie, the warmth is coming.

marcella said...

My daughter's living for the launch of THAT BOOK too - she plans to party all evening, stand in line at the book shop dressed as a Hogwarts schoolgirl (complete with a friend who she has persuaded to play Snape) and then read, read, read. Enjoy it, enjoy the anticipation, enjoy the cat although as mine has just peed on the bed because it's too cold to go outside so I'm not quite such a cat fan as I was this morning - grrr

CARRIE ARNOLD said...

Mary,

I'd love to see you dress up as a pirate for Halloween sometime. Arg! Walk the plank!

Marcella,

No, kitty uses her litter box religiously. She loves to bury her poop under this HUGE mountain of litter, digging so furiously there's pieces on the window about 2 feet up (litter, not poo). I won a Harry Potter costume party when I lived in Scotland- I have really short hair and I dressed up as Harry. I also had the purple lightening bolt on my forehead that didn't come off and I gave a presentation that was 100% of my grade hungover with a purple bolt still on my forehead. It was a hoot.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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nour·ish: (v); to sustain with food or nutriment; supply with what is necessary for life, health, and growth; to cherish, foster, keep alive; to strengthen, build up, or promote



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