I'm a few days late in posting this (then again, I posted the Sunday Smorgasbord on Saturday night, so let's just say that my timekeeping this week totally sucks), but I figured better late than never.

It was New Year's Eve, and I was thinking about resolutions.  I don't really like them--I've never really made one--in part because they're all about stuff you don't want to do rather than stuff you DO want to do.  The joke among parents is that the easiest way to get a kid to do something is to tell them not to do it.  And adults are just old children. 

Yet I like the spirit of self-improvement, of making a goal and working towards it (this got very hijacked in the AN, but I do my best).  And goal setting has been a really useful recovery skill for me.

The problem with goal setting is that we often settle for really vague goals and don't map out a plan to get there.  Either one of these can set you up for failure.  Lots of people use weight loss goals, but if I see another ad or story about dieting, I think I'm going to stab myself in the eye.  How many Weight Watchers points are in an eye, anyway?  I digress.

So let's use smoking.  Quitting smoking isn't a vague goal, but unless you know how you're going to quit and how you're going to cope when you want to start lighting up again, it's going to be really hard to stay quit.  Recovery is something similar.  "I want to recover!" is awfully vague--what does that mean to you--and it also doesn't help you plan how you're going to get there.

It's where I ran into problems.  Occasionally, I told myself that I was going to quit all behaviors and embrace my thighs and blah blah blah.  If it lasted a day, I was doing well.  Vague and directionless is pretty much the way to get nowhere.

On Twitter (do you follow me on Twitter? You should. I keep you posted on my near nightly consumption of nature documentaries and other nerdy fun, as well as ED research), I started a hashtag called #recovery2011, where I encouraged people to tweet their recovery goals for 2011.  They didn't have to be specifically food related--an ED takes over your entire life, and recovery is about more than just food.  I told everyone that I would share the responses on my blog, which I am doing here.

• Try learning hunger cues again and accepting them as they are not as something to fight with!
• I'm changing my relationship w my body. I'll try not seeing it as something that could be smaller & just as something that is
• Food is great & all, yet not worth all the power we give it. Hoping 2011 brings food enjoyment & fuel yet time spent on more.
• Hope 2011 allows u 2 b open & trust your body's wisdom: hunger/fullness/cravings communicate your food & movement needs.
• I'm going to practice being relaxed and joyful around food, with the idea of "fake it till ya make it."
• I intend to be fully present in my life rather than obsessing over what has been or will be.
• Learn to love myself, even if it means by Dec 2011 I have learnt to love only my little toe, accept that, love that, be that!
• Try something new and scary. Take things in stride. Embrace the present while looking forward to the future.

I would love it if you, my readers, would share your own recovery-related goals in the comments section.  Be specific.  Not just "Be mindful about eating." but "I am going to concentrate fully on at least one meal every day."

So go for it! What's your goal?

As I've written before, I'm not much into resolutions. I like the idea (self-improvement), but I've spent so long trying to change myself that I kind of want a break. Nor have any of these so-called "changes" actually resulted in anything positive. But, as the premise of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) states, I am doing the best I can right now, but I can always do better.

In terms of recovery, this year has been incredibly rocky. I don't know exactly where I'm at or if there's even a map or a guidebook anyways. But I know that before I can say that I'm "recovered" or "in remission" or that the AN has finally become dormant, I have to work on a bunch of things. So, in no particular order, here they are:

Better utilize my support system. This was a big deal when I relapsed earlier this year- I don't know whether reaching out would have changed anything, or even if I was mentally able to reach out once things got going, but (and this is a big "but") I could have reached out when the depression and anxiety once again started to overwhelm me. I don't know whether I'm just not good at reaching out for help, if I'm just too damn stubborn, or if the issue is more related to not wanting to ask for help. I suppose the "why" doesn't matter as much as my response.

Develop better ways to cope with anxiety. I've come to realize that anxiety is a bigger driver of my eating disorder than even perhaps depression. When they both strike together, it's like a version of the perfect storm. The anorexia props up my self-esteem and reduces my anxiety--what more could a girl ask for? Uh, quite a bit, I think. My medication hasn't "cured" my depression, but I can manage my moods just fine. The SSRI doesn't do the same for the anxiety. At all. I need to find ways to manage my anxiety that doesn't involve excessive exercise and food restriction.

Stop counting calories. 'Nuff said. It's as much of an OCD ritual as it is an ED behavior, and it's almost instinctual. Drives me bonkers not to do it.

Find fun movement. My brain gets this jolt of dopamine when I exercise, so it's hard for me determine the real relationship between "fun" and "exercise." However, I want to find activities that I look forward to, rather than just waiting breathlessly for that endorphin rush. There were any number of things I wanted to try when I was in the DC area, but they all "interfered" with my exercise routine, so I never actually tried them. Then there was the fact that my office and my apartment had fitness centers, and I could never quite bring myself to pay for the privilege of working out when I could do it for free without getting in my car. Mainly, though, it was the "routine" thing.

There will no doubt be other things I will add to this list, and I have some life goals that I'm not especially keen on sharing with the whole wide world out there, but I think this makes a good start with what I need to work on in order to keep moving forward in recovery.

...for dieting, that is.

Most of us learned about the four seasons when we were younger, about spring, summer, autumn, and winter. Considering I grew up in Michigan, there were really two seasons: winter and three months of bad sledding. Now that I'm an adult, and living south of the Mason-Dixon line, there are many more seasons than I experienced as a kid in Michigan. To everything, there is a season, and to every season, there is a reason to diet.

Winter: It's your New Year's Resolution to have a Totally New You by developing those Buns of Steel. (I'd settle for buns of cinnamon, but then, that's me.)

Spring: It's going to be Bathing Suit Season soon, and you had better fit in that Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini you wore when you were three. So it looks like a thong. So what. I hear they're popular these days!

Summer: It's Bathing Suit Season and EVERYONE IS GOING TO SEE YOUR FAT ASS IN THAT BATHING SUIT SO YOU BETTER STOP EATING, YOU FAT PIG.

Autumn: Do NOT gain weight over the holidays, and here's how (you can start by not celebrating the holidays at all).

Ta-da! The year in dieting. Winter season is the worst, and right now about all I seem to hear commercials for are end-of-the-year car sales, cigarette cessation aids, and diet products. It makes me almost pity the poor guy who's trying to hawk replacement windows so that people can get their tax credit.

Almost.

Jeopardy!, the game show for grandmas and geeks like me, Jeopardy! for crap's sake, is now sponsored in part by a colon cleanser (aka, an overpriced laxative that just really dehydrates you and then you take a drink of water and bloat from here to Timbuktu. Trust me, kids, don't try this at home).

The Diet Survivor's Group blog has a list of alternate dieting headlines for magazines to use. Start with these examples and then you might just have a fun game to play in the checkout aisle at the grocery store.

Self Magazine:
The Food Lover's Diet - 31 Tiny Tricks That Peel Off Major Pounds
My Edit:
The Food Lover's Diet - Eat What You Love and Savor Every Bite

Allure:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Drop 600 Calories A Day Without Feeling Hungry
My Edit:
The Easiest Diet Ever: Eat When You Are Hungry And You'll Never Feel Hungry (duh!)

Shape:
How We Lost 477 Pounds Together: 6 Women Share The Diet Secrets That Worked For Them
My Edit:
How We Raised Our Consciousness Together : 6 Women Share Their Wisdom And Empower Each Other

Fitness:
Your Best Body Ever
My Edit:
Your Body Is The Best Body Ever

O Magazine:
How To Get What You Really Want This Year: Weight Loss That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secrets For Keeping The Pounds Off
My Edit:
Keep Working Toward Getting What You Really Want This Year: Body Satisfaction That Sticks - Dr. Oz's Simple Secret Is That There Is No Secret For Keeping The Pounds Off.

Seventeen
Total Body Confidence - Great Abs, Butt & Legs By New Year's
My Edit: (I got kind of hopeful with the first part...)
Total Body Confidence - Enjoy Your Body In Its Fullness All Year Long

Us:
The Biggest Loser - How I Did It!
My Edit:
The Biggest Winner - How I Did It! Tips To Love, Respect, And Honor Yourself
Woman's World:Break Through Ohio State University BELLY FAT CURE! Discovery - Two Spoonfuls Of This Oil Will Block Fat Storage! Melt 5" Of Belly Fat - No Diet Required!
My Edit:
Woman's World Announces Bankruptcy As Readers Boycott Magazine Due To Outrageous Claims!
I guess this game beats hibernating...

Considering how many people who have New Year's resolutions to lose weight, there's something else they might lose: a super-healthy immune system. New research has found that dieters are less able to fight off the influenza virus. A news article from the BBC said that

The team at Michigan State University found even though the mice on the lower calorie diet received adequate amounts of vitamins and minerals, their bodies were still not able to produce the number of killer cells needed to fight an infection.

As well as being more likely to die from the virus, the mice - which were consuming around 40% of the calories given to their counterparts on a normal diet - took longer to recover, lost more weight and displayed other symptoms of poor health.

"Our research shows that having a body ready to fight a virus will lead to a faster recovery and less-severe effects than if it is calorically restricted," said study author Professor Elizabeth Gardner.

As fillyjonk over at Shapely Prose noted (h/t to her for posting the original BBC story), you don't get to chose where you restrict calories from. You can't just pick your arms or your ass- in fact, the needed calories are just as likely to come from your heart, your liver, or your immune system. Yes, your butt might shrink. And so might your brain. Your body ain't picky.

Dieting is starving your body. Period. And your body doesn't like that and can communicate it in the form of a decreased abilityto fight influenza. Payback's a bitch, huh?

Does anyone else find it interesting that this story wasn't plastered all over the internet like practically every other dieting story out there? I'm not surprised.

Almost a decade ago, my friends and I spent New Year's in a cabin up in Northern Michigan. We spent much of the time just trying to stay warm, and we lived off of several platters of brownies. As part of our celebration, we exchanged small slips of paper with each person's name on the top. On the paper, we were supposed to write out anti-resolutions for them, the things we didn't want them to change.

I found this so refreshingly different than our current culture, which emphasizes what's not going right and what you need to change. I'll be the first to admit there are plenty of things I need to work on in life, some of which don't have anything to do with the eating disorder. Change and growth are part of the human experience.

But we also need to take the time to celebrate what is going right, the things in our life that are working. These are no less important than those aspects of ourselves we feel could use a little fixing.

So here are a few of my anti-resolutions:

• I am getting better at using my support team.
• Curiosity!
• I have decent cooking skills.
• I like to make people laugh.
• Books are a girl's best friend.

What about you? Do you have any anti-resolutions?

I hate the proverbial question of "So what's your New Year's Resoluton?" I want to say something smart-mouthed like "Smack people who ask me about my resolutions," but I don't because my mom spent over 18 years drilling manners into my skull (thanks, mom!).

I'm plain tired of changing myself. I've changed my weight, to absolutely no improvement, and 7 years later, I'm still dealing with the after-effects. And the debt and heartache. I've changed my hair color and ended up a lovely shade of marigold. I've tried to grow out my hair and wound up looking like a Cocker Spaniel- I'm a short-hair girl, no doubt about it.

Change change change.

I say, to hell with it.

My therapist (whom I adore) says that resolutions would be much more effective if we changed our attitudes rather than our behaviors. Which kind of makes sense. The past however many years, I've told myself "This is the year when I will stop restricting/purging/cutting/lying about the above!" Never worked. So instead, this year, I'm not going to make a promise I can't keep. Not that I don't want to quit the above, but let's be realistic here, people.

So my challenge to myself for this year is: to begin to allow myself to ask for help when I need it.

There. That's a little more like it.