The issue of dating and relationships keeps coming up in therapy for me, and to be honest it's rather relevant. I still don't have any friends down here, outside of the people I work with. And although many of my coworkers are nice and fun while at work, they're not exactly the kind of people I see myself being good friends with (ie, I don't do the beer and marijuana thing for entertainment).

So the fact that I've been living here for about 9 months and still haven't met anyone--romantic or otherwise--spurred TNT into pushing me into trying a variety of options, like signing up for a bellydance class through community ed and, yes, thinking about dating.

Seeing as my dilemma is that I don't even have the foggiest clue of where to meet someone because I don't know anyone and I do NOT do the bar scene, the logical next step (according to TNT) was doing a dating website. Thankfully, my older brother has taken the first step in that regards as he met his wife online, though it wasn't a dating website. I did it once before and the experience wasn't the best, although I was aware enough at the time that it had nothing to do with the guys and everything to do with the fact that I was deep in the ED. And pretty much unilaterally refusing to do anything with food made me a pretty awful date.*

My assignment this week was to sign up for a dating site.** I'm not going to say which one (if you're really curious, you can email me!) for privacy reasons, nor is my profile up yet. I started filling it out, and one of the categories is what you're looking for and why you're here. I said because I was new to the area, etc, and I also figured that writing "My therapist is making me" wouldn't exactly be an encouragement to people. Or at least, the people I potentially want to attract.

This brings up a whole host of issues, the biggest of which is the fact that I don't understand why anyone would date me anyway. It's this core self-belief that, basically, I suck. I know I'm not stupid, I know I'm not totally inept at writing, but the only thing I ever felt confidence in was my ability to be anorexic. Now that my anorexia is in the past tense and I consider my illness (mostly) in remission, I'm back to the old "I suck" mantras.

TNT wanted me to start dating to basically tell the "I suck" mantras to go, well, suck it. That I'm never going to believe that I'm a datable person until I start dating.

So here goes.

*This didn't, however, stop me from going even deeper into the ED because the problem was (obviously!) I needed to weigh less for someone to be attracted to me.

**Actually, it was my assignment last week, but I put it off because of a freelance editing job from hell. Facebook friends, you know what I'm talking about.

I don't quite know where to start this post.

I was out with my classmates yesterday, and we had a pretty good time, but there was also something separating me from them. I just feel so much older than them. Chronologically, I'm only a year older, but I feel physically and mentally older. Because they didn't go through what I've gone through these past few years. I don't know that they've truly experienced the term "at the end of their rope." I have. It scars you, ages you. There's no real way look go back.

And then I look around at the support board I used to visit. I don't feel I fit in there, either. That I'm a little too impatient to be handing out advice on whether or not college is a good idea when you're passing out several times a day. Maybe it's just me and the fact that I'm a pretty straightforward person. I can be a wimp sometimes, but I tend to favor the problem solving approach. The emotional side of me is extremely strong- too strong, perhaps. But dealing with Ed only invokes the emotions of frustration and anger.

I don't feel "too recovered" for the board, because I don't think I am. Yet I don't feel a part of it anymore. I can relate, but it's much more of a realistic relating than a purely sympathetic one. On the other hand, I feel I've been through so much that I have a hard time relating to people. Or feeling that they can relate to me.

So here I am, floating between these two worlds. A part of both, but belonging to neither.

That is such a pattern of mine. In high school, I was far closer to my teachers than I was to most of my classmates. At my last two jobs, I felt more at home with workers who were over a decade older than me. In treatment, it was the same way with the staff. There were one or two girls who I felt a genuine connection with, but mostly I felt...different.

And not necessarily in a good way.

Sometimes I feel that no one gets me and no one ever will. That I may as well get used to this feeling because it ain't going to change.

Most of my roommates had no idea what to make of me. And I lived with several of them were before the ED really became obvious. I was just so odd. It was like they were never taught how to deal with people like me. I don't even know what "people like me" really means. I think it's more of a she-doesn't-fit-in-any-standard-categories thing.

That's been basically my life story.

I can never seem to bridge this gap between me and everyone else. Most of the time, trying involved me getting ridiculed and/or acting like a total phony. Certain parts of it stem from my lack of confidence in myself. If I say what I really think, people won't like me. I'm already the third wheel, I shouldn't push my luck. Or that they really don't understand what a shitty 21st birthday looks like, and I have no intention of telling them it involves being locked up in a psych ward.

Don't get me wrong. I enjoy being a little different, a little out there, a little unusual. I just sometimes wish there were more people like me.

Yep. I finally did it. I quit my job. Tomorrow is my last day.

I have mixed feelings. I'm glad to be leaving and know it was the right thing for me. I am also terribly sad that it came down to this. There have been several other situations this year that have forced me to leave if I wanted to retain any shred of self-respect. The worst was when I left residential treatment this past summer because a large group of girls had been reading my personal journals for several months as some sort of messed-up version of entertainment. It was a group thing.

I feel a similar sense of betrayal at work. I felt like I finally had something going for me and all of these psycho dieters just had to go and ruin it for me. It makes me angry. And more than a little bitter.

There seems to be a pattern in my life: I'm not a pushover or a people pleaser. I'm more than happy to tell you to go shove it if it comes down to it. But that doesn't stop people from betraying me. The main difference between the work situation and the journal situation is that these girls intentionally read my journal. At work, though they intentionally dieted in a very inappropriate way, they weren't doing it to me personally. Big difference.

Same feelings.

I feel an even stronger need to isolate because so many of my relationships have ended in grief and me getting hurt. There have been other incidents in the past year, all of which are either too long or too personal to detail, that have led to the same outcome. Leaving a toxic person or situation because I felt I had no other choice if I were to live with myself. How could I stay in treatment in a facility where reading my journals had become some sort of pseudo-group activity? I would become hostile and bitter- the exact sort of person I don't want to be. The same at work, except I would be driven psycho.

I'm angry at myself for getting into these situations. I know, I know- I couldn't have prepared or prevented them. But there's also a sense of someone ripping out my heart, stomping on it, and then asking "Oh, you want it back?" Well no shit I want it back. But could you put it in the same condition as when you ripped it out? That never happens.

Relationships carry an inherent risk, that you will get burned, that you might burn someone else. I don't like that. I want a 100% money-back guarantee. The cruelty that is is intentional (the journal-reading) is actually easier to understand from an emotional standpoint. They were immature little brats. They were jealous I was getting better. They wanted to know I wasn't perfect. Blah blah blah. The work situation is trickier. My co-workers thought they were doing a good thing by dieting. They didn't do is specifically to piss me off, though that is precisely what they did.

I can't change that. I can't change their desires to lose weight, the weight-loss culture as a whole. I just have to leave these toxic situations. Or change my attitude.

I get a sense from some people around me that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, that everyone diets, I need to learn to live with it, some people are idiots (i.e., Ms. Bagel-is-Junk-Food). The only difference is that I was stuck there if I wanted to continue at my job. And I know I'm stuck in a diet-crazy culture. I get that. It's certainly not news to me. But out here, in this vast world, I can have much more of a say in the little microcosm I create for myself. I can surround myself with people who are different, and creative, and don't care about the size of their thighs.

This is also hindered because I've been hurt and betrayed so many times that I have lost a lot of trust in people. There are many more of good eggs than bad ones (my bloggies included), but those bad ones do a lot of damage.

I am, in spite of all of this, rather satisfied with my decision. It feels like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

And that tells me all I need to know.