Can I just say?

This sucks. I mean, this really really sucks.

I hate that I have to eat (and eat A LOT!) when I don't want to.

I hate that I hardly leave the house.

I hate that all I want to do is go for a run (yes, I have exercise issues and also see previous) and I'm not allowed.

I hate that I'm home from my job and my friends in DC and stuck in the Midwest.

I hate that I'm nearly 30 and have trouble feeding myself properly.

I hate that everyone watches me while I eat so I don't hide food.

I hate that people monitor my bathroom visits.

I hate that I eat six times a day and it seems all I do is eat.

I hate that I'm more obsessed with food now than I was before I started eating again.

I hate that I can feel my body doubling in size at every meal or snack.

I hate that I hardly have any privacy.

I hate that I'm such a burden on my family.

I hate that I have to face food every single day for the rest of my life and I'd really rather not, at least not unless it was apples and lettuce and nothing else.

But you know what I really really hate?

Knowing that this is necessary.

Knowing that I would go right back to the AN if given half a chance.

Knowing that yes, I am almost 30, and no, I haven't learned how to feed myself properly.

Knowing that the only way out is through.

(Sorry if this sounds like adolescent melodrama- I'm not going off the deep end, just deeply frustrated and a little pissed off at everything right now.)

posted under |


Kim said...

I'm thinking of you. It DOES suck, and it IS necessary. I'm almost 30 too, and still figuring out how to feed myself. You're not alone.

Carrie Arnold said...

That's the suckiest part- knowing that it's necessary. Though I'm not glad that others are also slogging through this crap, it does help immensely to know that I'm not alone...

Anonymous said...

i appreciate this post a lot.
i am pretty much in the exact same place (although i do not have the family involvement - they like to pretend none of it is happening) ... and i feel your pain and frustration.
it would be so much easier if we could just do away with food forever, but we have to eat, and therefore have to face our demon every single day. i have hope that facing it will get easier with time, but right now, in my head, that seems impossible.
i often find myself asking "why me?" ... but that is really an irrelevant question - i mean, "why not me?". all i can do now is find my way through.

thanks again for this post - it is nice to not feel so alone although i hate that you are having to go through this.

Lisa and Jim said...

Carrie, you have no idea how much you mean to your readers. Or maybe you do. We're pulling for you and I can't wait until you're back in DC.

Lynn (The Actors Diet) said...

I LOVE that you're so honest.

samsi77 said...

In a nutshell: you and I and all your readers really HATE ED!

Hope said...

Yes, samsi77 has it right...we all really Hate ED!! I'm so sorry that this is so painfully hard right now. But, you're also right about it being absolutely necessary.

I have to correct you though. You are NOT a burden to your family. Bringing a sick child home to get well is never a burden. Don't even consider otherwise. You are loved very much.

Yes, the only way out is through!!!

Crimson Wife said...

{{{{Hugs}}}} It really, truly *DOES* get easier over time. You'll still have your good days and your bad days, but there will be more of the former and fewer of the latter.

Bron said...

I can only agree with what everyone else is saying. It sucks now, but it WILL get better. And we are here to support you when you need it on the way.

Sarah at Journeying With Him said...

Um, this is awesome, Carrie. I've read your posts since you've gone home and very few of them have been personal. They've been GOOD and I always learn something, but they're not reflective of your emotional state, and that's what I really care about and want you to learn how to express. I know that your blog isn't necessarily themed around emotional outpours (who does that? er...) but I know this is tough stuff, I know this initial refeeding time was the hardest part of my entire life, and I'm reasonably certain I can extrapolate that to others dealing with this. The more you express this stuff, the more you are dealing with your emotions. It's "nicer" and "easier" and more convenient to hide your feelings, but I think learning to start statements with "I hate..." and reflecting your emotional state in the rest of the sentence is a crucial step towards a sustainable recovery because you're expressing your feelings, not starving yourself because of them.

You are such an inspiration, dear Carrie. Every time your posts pop in my Reader I wonder, "what will I learn today?" Today, I learned, "she is taking a chance and being honest." I love it.

Libby said...

Sending hugs from DC. I can't wait till you're back here, too.

FWIW, I think it's OK to hate this. I mean, it's not like chemo is fun... like dialysis is fun... like surgery is fun.

This is hard, sucky work, but you are doing it. And for that I have so much admiration for you.

sad mom said...

It does suck. It sucks big time. You need to rant about it and let the frustration vent. It's okay. I agree with Libby, treatment sucks for a variety of medical conditions.

Most important though - You are not a burden to anyone. You are a beloved child no matter how old you are or how much you grouse about your meal plan.

You are important to us as well. Slog on. You can do it.

Just Eat It! said...

I can relate on so many levels. Let it out, sista.

Wrapped up in Life said...

I'm right there with you. Thank you for putting your thoughts here; sometimes it is helpful just to sympathize with one another.


Anonymous said...

I hate being 19 with bulimia and wondering if I will be as strong as you when Im thirty and trying to recover, and then wondering what the next eleven years will be like until I reach that point.

(I hope you continue being strong, your strength gives me strength so that I know its possible to overcome this nightmare life)

Unknown said...

I'm sorry. Hug

(and, as a mom, I can tell you your mom and dad do not see it as a burden, they see it as something they have to do to save the life of a person they love more than themselves)

Denise said...


Fighting ED is Exhausting,Frustrating Hard Work but So worth Fighting For. Hang in there, with Full Nutrition Everyday, This too shall pass and It Does Get Better. Sending You and Your Family Courage,Strength and Hope to Stand up and Fight Against ED! Denise

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing cause I just got done eating a can of spinich. I didn't want to but it was time to eat something. I had no intention of following my eating plan till I read this. I'm 40 and don't know how to feed myself. Thank you for the post's, I just found them a few day's ago. It's nice knowing I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

I like that you can vent here and use your blog to help you deal :)

I hope it becomes habit and gets easier for you soon...

Anonymous said...

Hello Carrie,
As a mother of a daughter recovering from AN, all I can say is you are extremely brave and wise. You knew how horrible the refeeding process would be and you still packed up and went home to face it, because it is necessary. I hope with everything in me that my daughter will do the same if she EVER needs to when she is an adult living away from home. So I am 100% certain that your parents do not see this as a burden, but as a way to save their daughter's life. You are precious, and you are worth it. (Nothing is worse for a parent than to just sit helplessly by and watch their child waste away.) Thank you so much for your honesty; you help me to understand a little bit better what my own daughter must live with. I think of you often and I'm rooting for you, Carrie.

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I'm a science writer, a jewelry design artist, a bookworm, a complete geek, and mom to a wonderful kitty. I am also recovering from a decade-plus battle with anorexia nervosa. I believe that complete recovery is possible, and that the first step along that path is full nutrition.

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