I think my feelings about recovery are echoed in my feelings about life right now.  I feel almost like I'm banging my head against the wall.  I'm frustrated because I feel I'm throwing all my effort in and nothing seems to be happening.

This month has been way off the mark, financially.  As in: I have yet to earn a single cent since July 1. 

Yikes.

I've been doing everything a good freelance writer should do, but still, no nibbles.  Just rejection emails that keep piling up.  If they were letters instead of emails, they would be a fire hazard by now.

And so it goes with recovery.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to--every last meal, snack, and hated glass of juice--and yet all I feel is foul, disgusting, and frumpy.  And, oh yes, that other "f" word: fat.

There have been other things going on in my life that aren't helping, but those won't be mentioned for privacy reasons.  I've found out that more friends than I can count are pregnant or getting married or doing something else significant with their lives.  And I'm bitching about Ensure.

I know a lot of this is my insecurities writ large: that everyone is going to see the nasty, awful person I really am, that I'm going to be a failure, that I'm going to be alone.  Those kinds of insecurities.  And they're all hitting at once.  I'm frustrated that I'm not "over" my eating disorder.  Part of me (okay, most of me) wants to go running back right now because then at least I wouldn't care so much. There would be less food and more exercise and everything would just be okay.

Rationally, I know that's a load.  The ED might make everything feel okay or seem okay, but it doesn't actually fix anything.  It does seem to take the edge off, though.  At least then I could slash my grocery budget, right?

::eye roll::

The most frustrating bit is that I'm doing everything--everything!--I can and it's just not enough.  Everyone loves to repeat the platitude, "Just do your best."  But what if "the best" just doesn't pay the bills?  What if "the best" still leaves you miserable, only now, you're fat and miserable.  What then?  Does anyone have advice for those days?  When nothing you do seems to make any difference?

I feel like I should just delete this whole post.  That it doesn't belong on a recovery blog.  That I'm supposed to have a positive spin on things. You know, like "I guess I'm just going to lift my chin and try again tomorrow."  What I want to do tomorrow is hide under the covers.  And maybe throw something breakable.  Yeah, that sounds more like it.