tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post673969626089145397..comments2024-03-23T08:25:22.526-04:00Comments on ED Bites: How to hate your eating disorderCarrie Arnoldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02569839838912988783noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-34659387841686520672009-05-20T01:08:44.780-04:002009-05-20T01:08:44.780-04:00it is easy to think of an eating disorder as an id...it is easy to think of an eating disorder as an identity. <br />it essentially is the scapegoat of all of the things we hate about ourselves. <br />i have a hard time hating my illness because i realize that in a warped way it was/is a coping mechanism and essentially i do have the power to stop it.<br />maybe it's easy for me to spout that off now that i'm on a different plane in my recovery.<br />i'm trying to see life beyond my ED. <br />it's more difficult now because i have to deal with all of the things that were underneath my behaviours to begin with; mainly, myself and the parts of my self that i don't like. <br /><br />maybe i don't allow myself to get angry with having an ED. <br />even as i type this, am i blaming myself?<br />it's such a fine line.<br />i know the ED is not me - yet i also know that i am stronger than it and therefore have a responsibility to myself to fight it.<br />yet, what am i fighting?<br />ahhh. this post got me thinking on things i haven't delved into in quite some time.shannonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07352428095582106239noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-29250425801872532122009-05-17T20:54:00.000-04:002009-05-17T20:54:00.000-04:00I completely relate to this post, Carrie. It'...I completely relate to this post, Carrie. It's been an interesting evolution watching my brain try to grapple with separating myself (huh? who's that?!) from anorexia, then developing bulimia in recovery, resisting refeeding the entire time but sticking to it anyway in the hope of recovery, then finding this 'new,' 'healthy' me even more entwined with Ed than before. I haven't ever managed to forgive myself for developing anorexia, and I HATE myself for developing bulimia; interestingly, bulimia, and not anorexia, seems like the ultimate sin. (The 'thinness is next to godliness' stigma strikes again--it's okay to starve yourself, but not to binge&purge...) The closest I have come to forgiving myself happened recently when I was looking at photos of me when I was at one of my lowest points. Seeing how frail and sick that girl was, and how HAPPY she looked in those photos. It was heartbreaking. I could forgive her in an instant for trying to use food/absence of food as a way out for something. She looked like a starved baby bird. And now that she/me is smack-back in the middle of my 'healthy weight range,' I cannot forgive myself for how 'huge' I am. And I cannot forgive myself for developing bulimia, even after years of self-starvation, because I blame the bulimia (and not the anorexia, ha!) for how 'big' and 'ugly' I am now. It helps to remind myself that when I was in those photos at my lowest weight, I thought I was an elephant. Ah, the mental games of human subjectivity. Working towards full recovery seems overwhelming most days (luckily, my therapist never gives up on me!). Working towards self-forgiveness, though, now that's a goal.RCKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08978024060723714626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-28055454398099195542009-05-17T14:33:00.000-04:002009-05-17T14:33:00.000-04:00I figure one thing families can do is hate the ill...I figure one thing families can do is hate the illness FOR you until you feel like taking it on.<br /><br />We keep loving YOU, however, no matter what!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17219492984914810944noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-23924573980298839752009-05-15T10:43:00.000-04:002009-05-15T10:43:00.000-04:00This is similar to a post I wrote yesterday (Writi...This is similar to a post I wrote yesterday (Writing...and the shifting self) and I read that entry about alcoholism earlier this week. I related to it as well. <br /><br />While I know I've come very far from when I was "really sick" I'm not recovered. But what bothers me is my family still doesn't even know I have an eating disorder. My mom blatantly tells me "pish posh you're just dieting/watching your weight/health". So how can I forgive the ED which made me so hard to be around, if I know nobody else will know to hate the ED and not me?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-39000099813515349002009-05-15T10:25:00.000-04:002009-05-15T10:25:00.000-04:00Thought provoking post. I agree with Kim - I hate...Thought provoking post. I agree with Kim - I hate myself more than I hate my ed.Wrapped up in Lifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18210700542140339831noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-47581367797209246802009-05-15T01:06:00.000-04:002009-05-15T01:06:00.000-04:00This is an excellent point. For me the starting po...This is an excellent point. For me the starting point was seeing the havoc it wreaked in other sufferer's lives. I saw so many strong, beautiful people that had lost so much to this illness, occasionally even their lives and it infuriated me. I saw so much potential in them and I watched them hurt so badly at the hands of ED. That's when the anger started for me. It wasn't until much later that I realized it might actually be applicable to myself as well. That just maybe I was also one of those strong, beautiful people that had a future and a reason to fight.licketysplithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09694431360643538414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6561748834204284315.post-60885587498101310572009-05-15T00:54:00.000-04:002009-05-15T00:54:00.000-04:00Yeah, I hate myself way more than I hate my ED. I ...Yeah, I hate myself way more than I hate my ED. I look at anorexia as a weird little coping mechanism. I look at myself as a big failure for turning to it. That doesn't really help matters! Thanks for bringing up this topic!Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12524913753671188764noreply@blogger.com